1 year old toddler crying (screaming) when she doesn't get her way..

[[email protected]]

My daughter is now 13 months old and this problem we've been noticing
has been getting worse and worse. Whenever she doesn't get her way she
starts screaming. A few examples:

- whenever I take something away from her that she's not supposed to
have (kleenex box for example)

- if I refuse to give her a bite of my food (because she's not allowed
to have it yet)

- if I walk into the other room and she's alone

- if my wife (or I) walk out of the room and she's in the room with me
(or my wife)

- when she's sleepy I usually sit down with her and get her nice and
calm and then put her in her bed. now, as soon as she realizes she's
going in the bed (before she hits the mattress) she starts screaming.
this one is the worst one, she screams like she's dying for 15 minutes
and usually falls asleep

The reason I'm concerned is because it's getting worse and worse. I
read up on tantrums, but I'm not sure if this qualifies. Usually it's
just very loud crying but sometimes there is screaming. never any
kicking. I read tantrums start up around 2, does that mean it gets
worse? Now I know why everyone was so fond of our daughter when she
was a baby! :)

So what to do? If it's a minor thing I try to bring some of her toys
to her attention. If it's going to bed, well we just let her cry for
the 15 minutes until she falls asleep on her own. Is this ok? The
bedtime thing is a real problem because she refuses to take naps unless
we make her and then she is very cranky from lack of sleep.

Thanks

[toto]

On 27 Dec 2006 04:36:10 -0800, wrote:

>My daughter is now 13 months old and this problem we've been noticing
>has been getting worse and worse. Whenever she doesn't get her way she
>starts screaming. A few examples:
>
>- whenever I take something away from her that she's not supposed to
>have (kleenex box for example)
>
When you must take something away, offer her something interesting to
take it's place. Also, do not worry much about what she is exploring
unless there is a safety issue. Yes, you may have to clean up a mess,
but at her age, she is supposed to make messes. Supervise her with
the *forbidden* item.

>- if I refuse to give her a bite of my food (because she's not allowed
>to have it yet)
>
Why is she not allowed to have it? In general when a baby is reaching
for table food, they are ready. If it needs to be cut up into small
pieces, do that.

>- if I walk into the other room and she's alone
>
Separation anxiety is common at this age.

>- if my wife (or I) walk out of the room and she's in the room with me
>(or my wife)
>
Again, this is very normal. Her brain is developing and she has
figured out that you are separate from her and may not return.

To get over it, play lots of peekaboo games. Play hide and seek
around the doorways. Use your voice to reassure her that you are
still there. Play hiding games with toys. And, most importantly, let
her follow you into the next room so she can see where you are.

>- when she's sleepy I usually sit down with her and get her nice and
>calm and then put her in her bed. now, as soon as she realizes she's
>going in the bed (before she hits the mattress) she starts screaming.
>this one is the worst one, she screams like she's dying for 15 minutes
>and usually falls asleep
>
Some children need to release tension in order to fall asleep.

>The reason I'm concerned is because it's getting worse and worse. I
>read up on tantrums, but I'm not sure if this qualifies. Usually it's
>just very loud crying but sometimes there is screaming. never any
>kicking. I read tantrums start up around 2, does that mean it gets
>worse? Now I know why everyone was so fond of our daughter when she
>was a baby! :)
>
Tantrums can begin earlier or later than 2 depending on a child's
temperament.

>So what to do? If it's a minor thing I try to bring some of her toys
>to her attention. If it's going to bed, well we just let her cry for
>the 15 minutes until she falls asleep on her own. Is this ok? The
>bedtime thing is a real problem because she refuses to take naps unless
>we make her and then she is very cranky from lack of sleep.
>
I don't think you can *make* a child sleep though you can enforce a
quiet time in bed. If she does fall asleep after crying, she probably
does need the nap.

You can try setting up a nice routine about naps. Maybe read a story
to her and cuddle with her a bit instead of leaving her alone in bed,
but I don't think a few minutes of crying will hurt her too much if
she won't sleep when you stay with her.

>Thanks

Good luck!


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

[[email protected]]

> Why is she not allowed to have it? In general when a baby is reaching
> for table food, they are ready. If it needs to be cut up into small
> pieces, do that.

Our doctor has us avoiding known allergy foods (peanuts for example) as
well as exotic fruits. We're introducing things slowly. We cook a lot
of asian/indian/mexican and I'm not sure our little one is ready for
all that yet. So we usually give her a piece of something harmless
like rice, a small piece of a vegetable, tortilla, etc.

> Separation anxiety is common at this age.

I think this is the root of the problem, but sometimes (like right now)
as i'm writing this post she's crying because I'm not playing with her.

> Some children need to release tension in order to fall asleep.

Yes but my point is she was almost asleep in my arms so I don't think
it's releasing tension, I think it's separation anxiety.


> I don't think you can *make* a child sleep though you can enforce a
> quiet time in bed. If she does fall asleep after crying, she probably
> does need the nap.

Sometimes she's so sleepy she can hardly walk! :)

> You can try setting up a nice routine about naps. Maybe read a story
> to her and cuddle with her a bit instead of leaving her alone in bed,
> but I don't think a few minutes of crying will hurt her too much if
> she won't sleep when you stay with her.

I've tried it but as soon as she's in the bed she's screaming, even if
I stay with her and try to read. It's weird. She really hates her
bed.

thanks for the tips, I'm definitely going to try your ideas. They help
me see this from her side.

[Ericka Kammerer]

toto wrote:
> On 27 Dec 2006 04:36:10 -0800, wrote:
>
>> My daughter is now 13 months old and this problem we've been noticing
>> has been getting worse and worse. Whenever she doesn't get her way she
>> starts screaming. A few examples:
>>
>> - whenever I take something away from her that she's not supposed to
>> have (kleenex box for example)
>>
> When you must take something away, offer her something interesting to
> take it's place. Also, do not worry much about what she is exploring
> unless there is a safety issue. Yes, you may have to clean up a mess,
> but at her age, she is supposed to make messes. Supervise her with
> the *forbidden* item.

I agree with not being overly restrictive in what
she can play with, but on the other hand, there's nothing
wrong with deciding that you'd actually like to have tissues
around for their intended purpose rather than giving them
all up to a toddler who'd like to see what happens when
you pull them all out and chew on them. Toddlers need lots of
sensory experiences, but that doesn't *have* to be one of them.
Parents don't have to feel guilty about not giving everything
to the toddler, as long as they are providing a wide range
of interesting experiences.

> You can try setting up a nice routine about naps. Maybe read a story
> to her and cuddle with her a bit instead of leaving her alone in bed,
> but I don't think a few minutes of crying will hurt her too much if
> she won't sleep when you stay with her.

I would agree. There are kids whose temperaments are
such that they react to anything they don't like with a loud
fuss, where some other kids wouldn't do more than a little
grousing. Ultimately, you have to do your best to interpret
your child's communications and figure out the difference
between a garden variety "I'm not too fond of this" versus
something more serious that needs your attention. Finding
a way to get her some more sleep during the day might help
the problem significantly. If she's wound too tight due to
lack of sleep, that could make her more prone to being on
a hair trigger for the screaming.

Best wishes,
Ericka

[Ericka Kammerer]

wrote:

> I've tried it but as soon as she's in the bed she's screaming, even if
> I stay with her and try to read. It's weird. She really hates her
> bed.

Try changing things up. Can you use a different bed?
How about go on vacation to visit Grandma for a week and see
if a change of venue bumps her out of her routine response
to bed? Can you change the bedding or move the bed elsewhere
in the room? Can you change up the bedtime routine? When
you're in an undesirable rut, sometimes the easiest way to
get out of it is to turn everything upside down for a little
while (vacations are great for this) and hope they settle
back down into a new (and better) routine.

Best wishes,
Ericka

[tom]

wrote:
> My daughter is now 13 months old and this problem we've been noticing
> has been getting worse and worse. Whenever she doesn't get her way she
> starts screaming. A few examples:
>
> - whenever I take something away from her that she's not supposed to
> have (kleenex box for example)
>
> - if I refuse to give her a bite of my food (because she's not allowed
> to have it yet)
>
> - if I walk into the other room and she's alone
>
> - if my wife (or I) walk out of the room and she's in the room with me
> (or my wife)
>
> - when she's sleepy I usually sit down with her and get her nice and
> calm and then put her in her bed. now, as soon as she realizes she's
> going in the bed (before she hits the mattress) she starts screaming.
> this one is the worst one, she screams like she's dying for 15 minutes
> and usually falls asleep
>
> The reason I'm concerned is because it's getting worse and worse. I
> read up on tantrums, but I'm not sure if this qualifies. Usually it's
> just very loud crying but sometimes there is screaming. never any
> kicking. I read tantrums start up around 2, does that mean it gets
> worse? Now I know why everyone was so fond of our daughter when she
> was a baby! :)
>
> So what to do? If it's a minor thing I try to bring some of her toys
> to her attention.

Probably not the best thing to do at first. In general, do nothing
that
she will find rewarding. But if it gives results quickly then its OK.
It will probably work better if you do the other stuff I described
below.

> If it's going to bed, well we just let her cry for
> the 15 minutes until she falls asleep on her own. Is this ok?

Yes!

> The
> bedtime thing is a real problem because she refuses to take naps unless
> we make her and then she is very cranky from lack of sleep.
>
> Thanks

I would try withdrawl of attention from the crying and screaming
*immediately*. Attention is a powerful reinforcer of a childs behavior
and many parents give attention to the wrong behaviors and get more of
what they are trying to get less of.

You need to do this immediately in real time. Turn away, don't look at
the her, pretend to be interested in something else. If the the child
shows any tendancy to go the right way, to stop crying or slow down,
immediately turn to the child and praise her. In general, attend to
good behavior and ignore bad.

But you have to get skilled at managing your attention, if you are
inconsistent or bad with the timing, the it will not work as well.

For dangerous behavior and stuff that you cannot tolerate by just
ignoring it, use time-out. But you have to learn the proper technique
for time-out. There is a primer on time-out a little ways down this
page:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-20010901-000027&page=5

Also, this whole article is good. The applications is the article are
to somewhat older children, but I think they can be adapted to a 13
month old.

BTW, most of the books on child rearing are useless. If the article
above gives techniques that are backed up with results from
experiments. A good book is "The Incredible Years", and Jacob
Azerrad's books and web articles. Also, see the stuff at the
Washington University Parenting Program, that is the source of "The
Incredible Years".

[tom]

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
> toto wrote:
> > On 27 Dec 2006 04:36:10 -0800, wrote:
> >
> >> My daughter is now 13 months old and this problem we've been noticing
> >> has been getting worse and worse. Whenever she doesn't get her way she
> >> starts screaming. A few examples:
> >>
> >> - whenever I take something away from her that she's not supposed to
> >> have (kleenex box for example)
> >>
> > When you must take something away, offer her something interesting to
> > take it's place. Also, do not worry much about what she is exploring
> > unless there is a safety issue. Yes, you may have to clean up a mess,
> > but at her age, she is supposed to make messes. Supervise her with
> > the *forbidden* item.
>
> I agree with not being overly restrictive in what
> she can play with, but on the other hand, there's nothing
> wrong with deciding that you'd actually like to have tissues
> around for their intended purpose rather than giving them
> all up to a toddler who'd like to see what happens when
> you pull them all out and chew on them. Toddlers need lots of
> sensory experiences, but that doesn't *have* to be one of them.
> Parents don't have to feel guilty about not giving everything
> to the toddler, as long as they are providing a wide range
> of interesting experiences.

Put the tissues up where your daughter cannot reach them or
even see them.

BTW, I generally agree with toto, its probably good to tolerate
all sorts of exploration by your daughter as much as possible.

Most parents have trouble getting there kids to eat new things!

Is it possible to just not serve the forbidden foods for a while?
The allergy testing should be a short term process, right?


>
> > You can try setting up a nice routine about naps. Maybe read a story
> > to her and cuddle with her a bit instead of leaving her alone in bed,
> > but I don't think a few minutes of crying will hurt her too much if
> > she won't sleep when you stay with her.
>
> I would agree. There are kids whose temperaments are
> such that they react to anything they don't like with a loud
> fuss, where some other kids wouldn't do more than a little
> grousing. Ultimately, you have to do your best to interpret
> your child's communications and figure out the difference
> between a garden variety "I'm not too fond of this" versus
> something more serious that needs your attention. Finding
> a way to get her some more sleep during the day might help
> the problem significantly. If she's wound too tight due to
> lack of sleep, that could make her more prone to being on
> a hair trigger for the screaming.
>
> Best wishes,
> Ericka

[tom]

tom wrote:
> wrote:
> > My daughter is now 13 months old and this problem we've been noticing
> > has been getting worse and worse. Whenever she doesn't get her way she
> > starts screaming. A few examples:
> >
> > - whenever I take something away from her that she's not supposed to
> > have (kleenex box for example)
> >
> > - if I refuse to give her a bite of my food (because she's not allowed
> > to have it yet)
> >
> > - if I walk into the other room and she's alone
> >
> > - if my wife (or I) walk out of the room and she's in the room with me
> > (or my wife)
> >
> > - when she's sleepy I usually sit down with her and get her nice and
> > calm and then put her in her bed. now, as soon as she realizes she's
> > going in the bed (before she hits the mattress) she starts screaming.
> > this one is the worst one, she screams like she's dying for 15 minutes
> > and usually falls asleep
> >
> > The reason I'm concerned is because it's getting worse and worse. I
> > read up on tantrums, but I'm not sure if this qualifies. Usually it's
> > just very loud crying but sometimes there is screaming. never any
> > kicking. I read tantrums start up around 2, does that mean it gets
> > worse? Now I know why everyone was so fond of our daughter when she
> > was a baby! :)
> >
> > So what to do? If it's a minor thing I try to bring some of her toys
> > to her attention.
>
> Probably not the best thing to do at first. In general, do nothing
> that
> she will find rewarding. But if it gives results quickly then its OK.
> It will probably work better if you do the other stuff I described
> below.
>
> > If it's going to bed, well we just let her cry for
> > the 15 minutes until she falls asleep on her own. Is this ok?
>
> Yes!
>
> > The
> > bedtime thing is a real problem because she refuses to take naps unless
> > we make her and then she is very cranky from lack of sleep.
> >
> > Thanks
>
> I would try withdrawl of attention from the crying and screaming
> *immediately*. Attention is a powerful reinforcer of a childs behavior
> and many parents give attention to the wrong behaviors and get more of
> what they are trying to get less of.
>
> You need to do this immediately in real time. Turn away, don't look at
> the her, pretend to be interested in something else. If the the child
> shows any tendancy to go the right way, to stop crying or slow down,
> immediately turn to the child and praise her. In general, attend to
> good behavior and ignore bad.
>
> But you have to get skilled at managing your attention, if you are
> inconsistent or bad with the timing, the it will not work as well.
>
> For dangerous behavior and stuff that you cannot tolerate by just
> ignoring it, use time-out. But you have to learn the proper technique
> for time-out. There is a primer on time-out a little ways down this
> page:
>
> http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-20010901-000027&page=5
>
> Also, this whole article is good. The applications is the article are
> to somewhat older children, but I think they can be adapted to a 13
> month old.
>
> BTW, most of the books on child rearing are useless. If the article
> above gives techniques that are backed up with results from
> experiments. A good book is "The Incredible Years", and Jacob
> Azerrad's books and web articles. Also, see the stuff at the
> Washington University Parenting Program, that is the source of "The
> Incredible Years".

Another thing, make sure you lavish attention on her when she is not
crying. A lot of parents fall into ignoring their child when it is
behaving and attending to them when they are misbehaving. This just
produces more of the bad behavior since attention is a reinforcer.

[Bob]

My 32 year old wife does the same thing.

Bob

[Anne Rogers]

>> I've tried it but as soon as she's in the bed she's screaming, even if
>> I stay with her and try to read. It's weird. She really hates her
>> bed.
>
> Try changing things up. Can you use a different bed?
> How about go on vacation to visit Grandma for a week and see
> if a change of venue bumps her out of her routine response
> to bed? Can you change the bedding or move the bed elsewhere
> in the room? Can you change up the bedtime routine? When
> you're in an undesirable rut, sometimes the easiest way to
> get out of it is to turn everything upside down for a little
> while (vacations are great for this) and hope they settle
> back down into a new (and better) routine.

is she in a crib, or regular bed, at about this age, our DS started
screaming if we went in the same room as a cot, after about a week, we just
gave up and put him on a mattress on the floor and realising he was staying
on that no problem, put the mattress back on the bed. I presume he disliked
the confinement of the cot, which of course meant when he wasn't in it we
had to deal with him getting up, but it was really no biggie, we have no
regrets about making the transition.

Anne

[JennP.]

"Ericka Kammerer" > wrote in message
. ..
> wrote:

> Try changing things up. Can you use a different bed?
> How about go on vacation to visit Grandma for a week and see
> if a change of venue bumps her out of her routine response
> to bed? Can you change the bedding or move the bed elsewhere
> in the room? Can you change up the bedtime routine? When
> you're in an undesirable rut, sometimes the easiest way to
> get out of it is to turn everything upside down for a little
> while (vacations are great for this) and hope they settle
> back down into a new (and better) routine.

I highly recommend Ericka's "shake it up" technique. It works every single
time we want to get rid of some bad routine habits that might have crept in
over time.

JennP.

[[email protected]]

> > Try changing things up. Can you use a different bed?
> > How about go on vacation to visit Grandma for a week and see
> > if a change of venue bumps her out of her routine response
>
> I highly recommend Ericka's "shake it up" technique. It works every single
> time we want to get rid of some bad routine habits that might have crept in
> over time.

This is really funny, because two weeks ago we just got back from a 2
1/2 week vacation to Grandma's!!! I think that's when this started,
when we got back. :)

[[email protected]]

> > Try changing things up. Can you use a different bed?
> > How about go on vacation to visit Grandma for a week and see
> > if a change of venue bumps her out of her routine response
>
> I highly recommend Ericka's "shake it up" technique. It works every single
> time we want to get rid of some bad routine habits that might have crept in
> over time.

This is really funny, because two weeks ago we just got back from a 2
1/2 week vacation to Grandma's!!! I think that's when this started,
when we got back. :)

[Ericka Kammerer]

wrote:
>>> Try changing things up. Can you use a different bed?
>>> How about go on vacation to visit Grandma for a week and see
>>> if a change of venue bumps her out of her routine response
>> I highly recommend Ericka's "shake it up" technique. It works every single
>> time we want to get rid of some bad routine habits that might have crept in
>> over time.
>
> This is really funny, because two weeks ago we just got back from a 2
> 1/2 week vacation to Grandma's!!! I think that's when this started,
> when we got back. :)

Ahhhh...then think back to what you were doing on
vacation. What was different? Did the screaming start at
Grandma's, or was she fine at Grandma's and it just started
when she got home? Some kids go through a rough transition
to get back to normal after a disruption in their routine,
so it might just be that (in which case it will sort itself
out with time). It could also be pure coincidence.
Maybe, though, there's something that was happening at
Grandma's that she's missing now.

Best wishes,
Ericka

[tom]

tom wrote:
> BTW, most of the books on child rearing are useless.
> If the article
> above gives techniques that are backed up with results from
> experiments. A good book is "The Incredible Years", and Jacob
> Azerrad's books and web articles. Also, see the stuff at the
> Washington University Parenting Program, that is the source of "The
> Incredible Years".

What I was trying to say is that most books spout opinion backed up
with no real evidence. The article, book, and university program I
cited are backed by decades of controlled experiments to validate the
methods.

[Tori M]

"Ericka Kammerer" > wrote in message
. ..
> wrote:
>
>> I've tried it but as soon as she's in the bed she's screaming, even if
>> I stay with her and try to read. It's weird. She really hates her
>> bed.
>
> Try changing things up. Can you use a different bed?
> How about go on vacation to visit Grandma for a week and see
> if a change of venue bumps her out of her routine response
> to bed? Can you change the bedding or move the bed elsewhere
> in the room? Can you change up the bedtime routine? When
> you're in an undesirable rut, sometimes the easiest way to
> get out of it is to turn everything upside down for a little
> while (vacations are great for this) and hope they settle
> back down into a new (and better) routine.

As an agreement not on this Xavier HATES sheets on his bed now that he does
not have the plastic lined crib matress. He screams like I am sending him
to bed to meet his doom when I do. I am hoping we can get some sponge bob
sheets soon and hopefully that will help.. until then I am going sheet free
for him. not a big deal.

Tori

[Tori M]

HAHAHA ok I found that funny... lol.. maybe I am just in a poor DH mood
today.. lol. *walks away chuckling*

Tori
"Bob" > wrote in message ...
> My 32 year old wife does the same thing.
>
> Bob

[joni]

On Dec 27, 4:36 am, wrote:
> My daughter is now 13 months old and this problem we've been noticing
> has been getting worse and worse. Whenever she doesn't get her way she
> starts screaming.

Children at this age usually scream because they are frustrated.
They usually cant say much at one years old - but they usually
understand way more than they can say.
They also are keen on 'the vibes' they get from their parents so how
you react to her screaming is important. Do you ever tell her a big NO
to stop screaming? 'Shhhh' or 'stop it' might be in her range of
understanding ya never know. I think the first word my kids knew before
mama/dada was no! LoL!
And do you ever 'give in'? Dont because it begins a bad pattern.
Consistancy is everything.
Dont underestimate what she understands. Do you talk to her as to why
you are doing something like saying nono this is grownup food, or this
object is fragile etc etc, and do you tell her bedtime is coming up -
try a solid night time routine like bath, story, musical box on, comfy
toy, etc to let her wind down on her own. Children have to learn how to
comfort themselves. Stay with her a few minutes before bedtime tucking
her in. I'm not a fan of letting the kid scream for 15 minutes, but
once you do say goodnite, you have to mean it or they will know that if
they squawk loud enough you will come running.
So again consistancy rules.

Just my two cents :-)


joni


joni

[Tori M]

I'm not a fan of letting the kid scream for 15 minutes, but
> once you do say goodnite, you have to mean it or they will know that if
> they squawk loud enough you will come running.
> So again consistancy rules.

When Bonnie was about 6 months old we decided to do the cry it out method.
I felt like the worst mother ever until 15 minutes later she was sleeping.
up to that point she cried every single night for 2 hours. we did
everything to figure it out. After that it boiled down to she can cry 15
minutes in a crib in her room with us judging sevarity from a safe non
stressfull distance OR we could hold her 2 hours snapping at each other
waiting for her to calm down.. we chose the 15 minute aproach.

Tori

[Anne Rogers]

> When Bonnie was about 6 months old we decided to do the cry it out method.
> I felt like the worst mother ever until 15 minutes later she was sleeping.
> up to that point she cried every single night for 2 hours. we did
> everything to figure it out. After that it boiled down to she can cry 15
> minutes in a crib in her room with us judging sevarity from a safe non
> stressfull distance OR we could hold her 2 hours snapping at each other
> waiting for her to calm down.. we chose the 15 minute aproach.

I think this is well worth remembering, sometimes you just have to put a kid
down, because on balance that is the best thing for them. I know with our
DD, putting her down is often a way of stopping her crying, the fact she is
crying is usually a sign we are putting her down too late and she's got over
stimulated and when we pop her in her cot, she turns over and snuggles down
as if to say, thanks, you finally got what I wanted! Sometimes it's not as
straightforward as that, but the putting down is the less of two evils.

Cheers

Anne

[Irrational Number]

wrote:

> My daughter is now 13 months old and this problem we've been noticing
> has been getting worse and worse.

Didn't you know? The "terrible twos" actually
begins in the second year of life, not after
they turn two! ;)

> Whenever she doesn't get her way she
> starts screaming. A few examples:
>
> - whenever I take something away from her that she's not supposed to
> have (kleenex box for example)

I distract. I give Rocky a toy car as
I'm taking the tissues away.

> - if I refuse to give her a bite of my food (because she's not allowed
> to have it yet)

Hmm... We generally try not to have any
foods that the kids cannot eat. But, it's
a good thing to teach them, though. Again,
I would distract.

> - if I walk into the other room and she's alone

Normal.

> - when she's sleepy I usually sit down with her and get her nice and
> calm and then put her in her bed. now, as soon as she realizes she's
> going in the bed (before she hits the mattress) she starts screaming.
> this one is the worst one, she screams like she's dying for 15 minutes
> and usually falls asleep

Ah, I'm no help. We cosleep.

-- Anita --

[Stephanie]

> wrote in message
oups.com...
>
>> Why is she not allowed to have it? In general when a baby is reaching
>> for table food, they are ready. If it needs to be cut up into small
>> pieces, do that.
>
> Our doctor has us avoiding known allergy foods (peanuts for example) as
> well as exotic fruits. We're introducing things slowly. We cook a lot
> of asian/indian/mexican and I'm not sure our little one is ready for
> all that yet.


What do you supposed Asian and Mexican babies do? If she eats it and doesn't
like it, she will spit it out.


> So we usually give her a piece of something harmless
> like rice, a small piece of a vegetable, tortilla, etc.
>
>> Separation anxiety is common at this age.
>
> I think this is the root of the problem, but sometimes (like right now)
> as i'm writing this post she's crying because I'm not playing with her.
>
>> Some children need to release tension in order to fall asleep.
>
> Yes but my point is she was almost asleep in my arms so I don't think
> it's releasing tension, I think it's separation anxiety.
>
>
>> I don't think you can *make* a child sleep though you can enforce a
>> quiet time in bed. If she does fall asleep after crying, she probably
>> does need the nap.
>
> Sometimes she's so sleepy she can hardly walk! :)
>
>> You can try setting up a nice routine about naps. Maybe read a story
>> to her and cuddle with her a bit instead of leaving her alone in bed,
>> but I don't think a few minutes of crying will hurt her too much if
>> she won't sleep when you stay with her.
>
> I've tried it but as soon as she's in the bed she's screaming, even if
> I stay with her and try to read. It's weird. She really hates her
> bed.
>
> thanks for the tips, I'm definitely going to try your ideas. They help
> me see this from her side.
>

[joni]

On Dec 27, 9:04 pm, "Tori M" > wrote:
> When Bonnie was about 6 months old we decided to do the cry it out method.
> I felt like the worst mother ever until 15 minutes later she was sleeping.
> up to that point she cried every single night for 2 hours. we did
> everything to figure it out. After that it boiled down to she can cry 15
> minutes in a crib in her room with us judging sevarity from a safe non
> stressfull distance OR we could hold her 2 hours snapping at each other
> waiting for her to calm down.. we chose the 15 minute aproach.

The reason I am not a fan of the 'let em cry it out' mode is because
accidents do happen. Cant recall how old my oldest daughter Sarah was
at the time, but 'the experts' said oh yes let them cry themselves to
sleep etc etc so 15 minutes later when all is quiet I slip in to check
on her. The crib bottom had slipped out one corner, so the mattress was
way off kilter and the child had been clinging to the rumbled bedsheets
to trying to stay right in the crib! The only thing that saved her from
sliding out the corner was that her little legs got caught between the
bars! And thats how she was sleeping!! Imagine how terrible I felt
then! Ack the guilt!
Soon after we changed her to a twin bed and along with her many stuffed
toys I would read her a story or two each night right after bathtime.
It was like a ritual we never varied from. She had a nitelight, but if
she wanted me to stay I would sit next to the bed and pretend like I
was going to sleep too (zzzzzzz noises). Worked every time! :-) I
never had any other problems with my kids not going to bed nor staying
in bed. Sometimes spending a little extra time with them is all they
need.


joni

[[email protected]]

I'm mom of three, and honestly, despite all the earnest advice you've
gotten, the reality is that...13 month old kids do this. The cure is
tincture of time. It will be a while before she can deal with being
thwarted. She wants what she wants when she wants it. She can't be
reasoned with. She can't get the concept of delayed gratification. She
doesn't understand anyone else's needs. She can't recognize dangers at
all (she's just as likely to scream about not being able to play with
the kitchen knives as not being able to stay up late).

Every mom who has ever been through toddler years tries everything
possible. Redirection and distraction, letting them cry it out etc.
etc. etc. Some kids are worse than others in terms of screaming and
tantrums, since they have more determined personalities or lower
frustration threshholds. My middle kid was a doozie for temper and had
a shriek that could peel paint - and didn't really get over it until he
was a preschooler. He had the toddler credo firmly embedded in his
head. Whats mine is mine, and whats yours is mine, and its all mine,
mine, mine!!

The only thing I've learned is in line with what the books say.
Consistency is key, and not rewarding the undesirable behaviour.
Although it seems strange, even negative attention is attention, and if
kids find out they get what they want, or at least get lots of
attention for shrieking (like at bedtime), it reinforces and prolongs
the behaviour i.e. if they can get you to hang around their room
rocking and soothing for an hour every night, bonus!! .

Your child is also at the age when separation anxiety is HUGE, and that
is a developmental thing that will pass with time. Kids of 13 months
often don't want parents out of their sight, and when you think about
it, that is a very good survival behaviour probably engrained by
millions of years of evolution (must not let parental unit vanish into
jungle or lion might eat me!!).

One thing that might help you with the sleep issues are routines. She
needs a schedule for naps, and some routine around them to get her into
certain sleep habits or triggers. With my first child, I was pretty
much freeform, and never could get him down for naps. When he was about
2 he went into a daycare for a while, and I was blown away at how they
managed to get 15 2 year olds down for a nap. They had a predictable
routine every day - i.e. at a particular time, snack, story, cots out,
soft music for a while, lying down in a darkened roomd room with lovies
and blankets, and poof, 15 kids sawing it off like magic. They were
just conditioned by the routine that set the scene for sleep. Even my
kid, who WOULDN'T lie down at home, would nap at daycare.

Bedtime routines also help a lot, getting a child into the sleep mode.

However, no matter what you do, kids from 1 to 3 or 4 can be a
challenge, and its not an indicator that he or she is doomed to grow up
to be a handful.

M

[[email protected]]

My daughter started the exact same thing at 13 months of age! I think
a lot of it has to do with her personality - she wants to be extremely
independent and anything that is not her idea is a bad idea. She's 2
1/2 now and we are making progress but she is still an extremely
challenging child. Consistency has been the key with her.

I find myself or my husband saying "no" when it really isn't necessary.
Save "no" for when you really need it and then stick to it. I agree
with "trading" appealing objects with something new. I stock up on
cheap, interesting toys or household items which I can use for quick
distractions. Also, I agree with giving her lots of attention when she
is not having a tantrum and none when she is.

I was so frustrated and freaked out about my daughter's sudden tantrums
that I took her to the doctor to see if she was suffering from some
terrible illness or ear infections. My doctor, a mother of 3 young
children, suggested starting "time-outs" even at that young age. I put
a portable crib in the hallway (where she could still see us) and
whenever she started a meltdown in she went. It also saved her from
banging her head on things as she rolled around the floor. As soon as
she stopped screaming (and it took a while at first) I took her out and
gave her lots of attention. Sometimes she was back in the crib 2
minutes later but in the end it was worth it. It didn't take long
before she was sitting herself down in the hall when she was mad and
the crib went away. Now she takes herself to her room and does her
screaming there and tells me when she is all done screaming.

As for bedtime, we went through that too and one thing that worked for
us was putting a new crib toy in her bed. She would push the button
and watch the lights and be distracted until she fell asleep. We went
through times that that didn't work either. She went through periods
of screaming (up to an hour) before falling asleep but every night got
shorter until she was back to falling asleep quietly. They do test to
see who is in charge. If you continue to go back into the room it will
only last longer and everyone will be miserable.

Good luck!

[Tori M]

"joni" > wrote in message
ups.com...
>
>
> On Dec 27, 9:04 pm, "Tori M" > wrote:
>> When Bonnie was about 6 months old we decided to do the cry it out
>> method.
>> I felt like the worst mother ever until 15 minutes later she was
>> sleeping.
>> up to that point she cried every single night for 2 hours. we did
>> everything to figure it out. After that it boiled down to she can cry 15
>> minutes in a crib in her room with us judging sevarity from a safe non
>> stressfull distance OR we could hold her 2 hours snapping at each other
>> waiting for her to calm down.. we chose the 15 minute aproach.
>
> The reason I am not a fan of the 'let em cry it out' mode is because
> accidents do happen. Cant recall how old my oldest daughter Sarah was
> at the time, but 'the experts' said oh yes let them cry themselves to
> sleep etc etc so 15 minutes later when all is quiet I slip in to check
> on her. The crib bottom had slipped out one corner, so the mattress was
> way off kilter and the child had been clinging to the rumbled bedsheets
> to trying to stay right in the crib! The only thing that saved her from
> sliding out the corner was that her little legs got caught between the
> bars! And thats how she was sleeping!! Imagine how terrible I felt
> then! Ack the guilt!
> Soon after we changed her to a twin bed and along with her many stuffed
> toys I would read her a story or two each night right after bathtime.
> It was like a ritual we never varied from. She had a nitelight, but if
> she wanted me to stay I would sit next to the bed and pretend like I
> was going to sleep too (zzzzzzz noises). Worked every time! :-) I
> never had any other problems with my kids not going to bed nor staying
> in bed. Sometimes spending a little extra time with them is all they
> need.

Yes that worked for your kids. I am glad for you. We only did CIO for bed
time.. never for the night time wakings and bonnie had a differant cry for
"boy I am mad that you are not in the room" and "I'm stuck I cant get out"
Xavier does too but he will use his I am stuck cry forthings like Bonnie is
bugging the heck out of me get her away.

Tori

[Sarah Vaughan]

wrote:

[...]
> If you continue to go back into the room it will
> only last longer and everyone will be miserable.

That one, I think, is very much a YMMV thing. Some kids do seem to need
the cold turkey form of CIO rather than the Ferber method or similar
(Ferber is the one where you go in after a few minutes to check &
reassure & then extend the interval between going in each time) but I
think that's the exception rather than the rule. Most kids respond
perfectly well to either. (A few, of course, will be driven nuts by
either and really do need gentler methods.) The reason Ferber came up
with his method was because the cold turkey CIO wasn't working for lots
of children - and, of course, going in regularly to check is more
reassuring for the parents as well.


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell

[marymc3]

wrote:
>My daughter is now 13 months old and this problem we've been noticing
>has been getting worse and worse. Whenever she doesn't get her way she
>starts screaming.

This is normal! Try to distract her and don't give in to tantrums!
>
>So what to do? If it's a minor thing I try to bring some of her toys
>to her attention. If it's going to bed, well we just let her cry for
>the 15 minutes until she falls asleep on her own. Is this ok?
YES! I'm doing it right now!

The bedtime thing is a real problem because she refuses to take naps unless
>we make her and then she is very cranky from lack of sleep.

Try putting her for naps in a playpen or walks in the stroller. She just
wants to know you'tre there. At this age, they don't know you won't leave
them!